I have a confession to make. I am used to be a perfectionist. (OK, I’m working on it). I have come to realize that I am very hard on myself, and that definitely makes me enjoy life a lot less. I guess I started realizing that I needed to give up “perfect” before I even got here.
As I was selling everything I owned, I realized just how much stuff I had. And why? Well, most of it was dishes. Why did I have so many plates, shot glasses, martini glasses, brandy snifters, shrimp forks, and salt cellars?
Because I used to give “perfect” dinner parties. I wanted every dish I served to be put on the perfect plate. I wanted every drink to be served in the perfect glass. But something happened at these dinner parties.
I would spend so much time while my guests were there “creating perfect” that by the time I was finally able to relax and settle in to enjoy my guests, everyone was ready to go home. And, I was left exhausted, cleaning up the kitchen for two days after the parties were over. But, do you want to know about the best dinner “party” that I had, the one I have the fondest memories of?
It was the last one, that wasn’t really a dinner party. I had some lovely friends come over to help me set up the garage sale that I was having. I knew we would be hungry at the end of the night, so the night before I soaked some ground lamb in some red wine.
That afternoon, I cooked it with garlic, basil, oregano, and tomatoes. It simmered on the stove while we worked. I served it on the pasta on paper plates (shocking, I know). My friends brought a salad. I opened a bottle of red wine. The only table I had left was a table for two, but all four of us crowded around the outdoor table to eat.
We had to put our salads on the ground because there was no room for them on the table. (There was no room on the table for people’s cell phones, either, which was GREAT!) We had worked very hard, and never had food tasted so good. We were maybe a little delirious at this point, but I remember laughing more than I had in a long time. I remember the gratefulness I felt for my friends who came to help me.
And it was then, I finally got it. This was the point of having dinner parties. Not the perfect food or the perfect stemware. I realized that I didn’t have to work for days to give a dinner party. This spontaneous gathering with all of its imperfection was perhaps the perfect dinner party that I had ever thrown. And no one had ever put the pressure on me to give the elaborate ones that I had. I had done it to myself, and missed out on the moment. I thought of all the other ways that my trying to do things perfectly had caused me to miss out.
It wasn’t until I was 38 years old, that I finally decided to take a painting lesson in Bali. I had always been afraid because I didn’t think I would be “good enough”. But you know what? I decided to sign up for the lesson anyway. I gave myself permission to just have fun and not worry about the final result. And you know what? I had so much fun!! I felt myself just get lost and have the playful energy of a kid again. And you know what else? I really liked my painting. Now, I’m taking a five-week online course with Flora Bowley, one of my favorite painters, and her greatest lesson is to just follow your intuition and enjoy the painting process, and not to worry about it being perfect.
This lesson has been further ingrained in me by moving to Mexico. But being in Mexico, I’ve had to learn to embrace imperfection. And I’ve realized something, its imperfections only add to its charms. Hmm, could that be the same with me? After all, who wants to be around someone who is perfect? Here are the beautiful imperfections I’ve learned to embrace here:
1. Learning The Language
I will be honest. I’m having a bit of a hard time learning Spanish. Oh, I can remember the words for things, but I am having the hardest time learning about the masculine and feminine nouns, the verb tenses changing with the nouns, and all of that. Actually, putting it all together in a sentence? It terrifies me. But, I made a decision one day that I wouldn’t worry about sounding stupid. I would just try my best. And you know what? I find that I can usually be understood, and that the locals appreciate me trying to speak their language. I also make the best of every opportunity when I am with a local. I make every cab driver teach me new words as I point to things I don’t know the words for and ask what they are in Español.
I am now having fun and I’m no longer worried about having to speak perfectly. Oh, speaking of imperfection, almost every taxi driver I am riding with has managed to hit the car in front of him. So, I’ve been in like 17 car wrecks since I’ve been here! Ok, so when it comes to driving, maybe perfection is a GOOD thing. I’m still not sure what to make of this one. (Let’s just say that when I can, I walk!)
2. Learning To Love The Chips, The Cracks, The Mistakes
Would you believe that I was heartbroken when I discovered that the coffee cup I had brought back to the US after a trip to Oaxaca was chipped. At least I didn’t throw it out. I used it to hold my dish sponges. But, now that I’m living in Mexico, I’m finding that just about every cup I drink out of is chipped. And now I see the chips in a different way. They seem to give the cups more character. The same with the buildings of cracked paint. Where the paint is cracked, you get to see all the colors that the buildings used to be, the brick underneath the paint. I find it quite beautiful.
And you know what? These cracks have helped me embrace my own mistakes. They let me celebrate my humanness, and help me forgive others more easily when they make mistakes. This reminds me of the Japanese tradition of wabi-sabi, seeing beauty in things imperfect. The Japanese actually make vases with imperfections in them, as they feel these are more beautiful than perfect ones. When I admit my mistakes, I find I am able to bring more love to myself than when I try to pretend that I am perfect.
3. Walking Over The Cobblestones
Really, I’ve never really been that graceful (OK, that’s an understatement-yes I’m usually the one to walk right smack dab into the sliding glass door). But, these cobblestones here in San Miguel have made me feel like I must look like a duck waddling between them, jumping between rain puddles I don’t understand. The people who have lived here seem to do just fine.
They look at me like I am their entertainment on their night’s walk as I hop, hop, skip from one to the other and usually manage to fall in a puddle anyway. I always have mud on the bottoms of my pants, while the Mexicans are clean and spotless. Well, I’m learning to laugh at myself which looks doubly funny as I hop, skip, fall down these bumpy roads. And I really don’t want to be in another car wreck, so I just keep practicing walking down the street, just like I’m practicing my Spanish and my painting, and living my life full of joy with the happy realization that nothing’s perfect. I am allowed to make all the mistakes that I want, as long as I keep having fun.
How are you embracing imperfection? Let me know in the comments below!
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mexico has relieved a lot of pressure for me, too. i don’t plan as much. i don’t expect myself to accomplish more than one or two tasks a day. i practice spanish. and practice making my friends laugh at my made up words. i have more spontaneous moments… with old and new friends. i don’t have time restraints like before. i can follow my nose and savor moments when and where ever they occur. i hope you continue to have ‘imperfect’ moments of loveliness.
paradise / 10-7-2013 / ·
Thanks, Marilee!! It really is a special place…
kimberly barsketis / 12-5-2013 / ·
I’m living in San Miguel as well and would love to meet you for lunch sometime. You can contact me at [email protected]
Cat of Sunshine and Siestas / 10-8-2013 / ·
I love this, Val, and it echoes my own transformation in a lot of ways. I have definitely learned to not just make do with myself, but realize how important I am to other people and to myself. IT helps having a tight-knit group of friends and a partner who is willing to just shake his head and say, ‘qué chica eres.’ Here’s to growing and learning, no matter at what age!
paradise / 10-8-2013 / ·
Yes, we often don’t realize the influence we are having on others!!That’s great that you have such a supportive partner!! Yes, I feel like if I ever stop growing or learning, then I might as well be dead!
Elle / 10-8-2013 / ·
Great article! For me it was age that made me embrace my imperfections. When I turned 40 I finally realised that you don’t need to have perfect hair, that perfect dress, those perfect shoes. I guess moving to Spain had a massive impact too – I no longer have to wear the formal office attire… and usually work in jeans, sweatpants… and very occasionally a bikini.
What a load of pressure now gone! Part of me wishes I’d realised it all 20 years earlier, but that’s just part of growth.
Elle xx
paradise / 10-8-2013 / ·
Yes, I am almost 40 and am feeling the same things. I had a professional job that I just left back in the US, and it’s great that I don’t have to “put myself together” everyday. I am feeling free to leave the house without makeup and just be “me”. xx
Bethaney – Flashpacker Family / 10-8-2013 / ·
Perfection is over-rated!! Those “perfect” people are always the ones that are unhappy on the inside.
paradise / 10-8-2013 / ·
So true, Bethaney!!
Devlin @ Marginal Boundaries / 10-8-2013 / ·
Speaking of made up spanish words, a few years back in DF I didn’t want cinnamon on my coffee so I told the waitress in “spanish” .. “sin sin-a-mon” (seen senn-ah-mohn) needless to say my friends were dying from laughter and still give me shit about it to this day, especially since I said it with so much conviction, like this is DEFINITELY the right word haha.
For those that don’t know the spanish word for cinnamon is “canela” (kah-nel-ah).
paradise / 10-8-2013 / ·
That is hilarious!! Great story and thanks for sharing….
Brenda Dawson / 10-8-2013 / ·
The best dinner parties I ever have given included just family or close friends; they know you are not perfect but love you anyway. Love to have special fancy party times but even at those it is usually fancy paper plates. Keeping it simple yet special and realizing it is the people that truly make it special. Guess that is why I always enjoyed being a homemaker and mom, just making home special for others, one of the greatest jobs that really was not a job rather a passion of love for the people in your life. Thanks for being so transparent and sharing! I truly love that!
paradise / 10-8-2013 / ·
Thanks, Mom!! You were always good at teaching us to keep it simple and didn’t even get mad when we had waterfights in the house!! I appreciate that….
TheBarefootNomad / 10-8-2013 / ·
Love this, Val! I’ve never been even remotely close to a perfectionist (except when I make coffee, which I’m a bit well.. obsessed with…), but I can definitely relate to the need to let go of expectations. It’s all very Buddhist, this letting go of our attachments to ideals…
paradise / 10-8-2013 / ·
Micki, I will never let go of my perfectionism with coffee either!! I use a hand cranked burr grinder and the AeroPress for making mine, and sigh with pleasure everyday!
wanderingeducators / 10-8-2013 / ·
love this. i have many chipped mugs and plates, i can’t bear to part with them because they hold so many memories! i’d be falling down all the time on that street.
Terry at Overnight New York / 10-9-2013 / ·
Serious travel and perfection don’t mix — and isn’t that great? Perfection is definitely over-rated! Nice post.
Lillie – @WorldLillie / 10-10-2013 / ·
Beautifully written and reasoned!
Mary @ Green Global Travel / 10-10-2013 / ·
I found myself celebrating with you as I read this article! I think you are sharing an all too common experience and one to which I can’t help but relate and as a result, feel myself breaking free as I read your words describing the same in your own life. I am absolutely thrilled that you are sharing your new life through these posts!
Val-This Way To Paradise / 10-10-2013 / ·
Thanks so much, Mary! I am enjoying sharing them, and so appreciative that I am going through this time where I am learning so much!
Marina K. Villatoro / 10-11-2013 / ·
I spent 3 months in Mexico and honestly it’s where I learned all of my spanish and that was cause I hitchhiked the huge country and each ride was really long and the men driving were really happy to chat with a blonde gringa even if it was broken spanish.
Jennifer / 10-13-2013 / ·
Great post, Val! I have the same trouble learning Italian. I understand the language but it is still so hard to speak more than just a few words. And that is mostly because I am afraid of sounding stupid or making a mistake. I also totally get you on the cobble stones! I don’t know how they do it.
Larissa / 10-15-2013 / ·
Very self-aware, Val! A great reminder that so often we create this “perfect” image of what our lives should be like, and then make ourselves miserable trying to achieve it. All the while, we’re missing the fun stuff.
(That said, I’m still trying to develop the “perfect brownie recipe”. . . I’m not there yet, but I’m having a delicious time trying 🙂 )
Val-This Way To Paradise / 10-15-2013 / ·
Ok, when you find that recipe, will you send it to me? Yum!!
Cacinda Maloney / 10-16-2013 / ·
I can totally relate to this post about “perfection” Been there, done that! In fact, I don’t want to do it anymore. I have had so many dinner parties just like you described. The “perfect” one! Well, no more! Enjoyed this post!
paradise / 10-17-2013 / ·
Thank you, Cacinda!! It’s nice to find people who are on the same page!!
I am always looking for the perfect escape, the perfect paradise, the kind of place that tosses your cares into the sea. Fortunately, I have discovered many! I created this site to show you where to go and how to get there. My goal is to show you that Paradise is only a plane ticket (or boat ride) away. I have inspired many others to travel and to create a better life. I am available for inspirational speaking, coaching, writing, travel planning, and photography.
mexico has relieved a lot of pressure for me, too. i don’t plan as much. i don’t expect myself to accomplish more than one or two tasks a day. i practice spanish. and practice making my friends laugh at my made up words. i have more spontaneous moments… with old and new friends. i don’t have time restraints like before. i can follow my nose and savor moments when and where ever they occur. i hope you continue to have ‘imperfect’ moments of loveliness.
Thanks, Marilee!! It really is a special place…
I’m living in San Miguel as well and would love to meet you for lunch sometime. You can contact me at [email protected]
I love this, Val, and it echoes my own transformation in a lot of ways. I have definitely learned to not just make do with myself, but realize how important I am to other people and to myself. IT helps having a tight-knit group of friends and a partner who is willing to just shake his head and say, ‘qué chica eres.’ Here’s to growing and learning, no matter at what age!
Yes, we often don’t realize the influence we are having on others!!That’s great that you have such a supportive partner!! Yes, I feel like if I ever stop growing or learning, then I might as well be dead!
Great article! For me it was age that made me embrace my imperfections. When I turned 40 I finally realised that you don’t need to have perfect hair, that perfect dress, those perfect shoes. I guess moving to Spain had a massive impact too – I no longer have to wear the formal office attire… and usually work in jeans, sweatpants… and very occasionally a bikini.
What a load of pressure now gone! Part of me wishes I’d realised it all 20 years earlier, but that’s just part of growth.
Elle xx
Yes, I am almost 40 and am feeling the same things. I had a professional job that I just left back in the US, and it’s great that I don’t have to “put myself together” everyday. I am feeling free to leave the house without makeup and just be “me”. xx
Perfection is over-rated!! Those “perfect” people are always the ones that are unhappy on the inside.
So true, Bethaney!!
Speaking of made up spanish words, a few years back in DF I didn’t want cinnamon on my coffee so I told the waitress in “spanish” .. “sin sin-a-mon” (seen senn-ah-mohn) needless to say my friends were dying from laughter and still give me shit about it to this day, especially since I said it with so much conviction, like this is DEFINITELY the right word haha.
For those that don’t know the spanish word for cinnamon is “canela” (kah-nel-ah).
That is hilarious!! Great story and thanks for sharing….
The best dinner parties I ever have given included just family or close friends; they know you are not perfect but love you anyway. Love to have special fancy party times but even at those it is usually fancy paper plates. Keeping it simple yet special and realizing it is the people that truly make it special. Guess that is why I always enjoyed being a homemaker and mom, just making home special for others, one of the greatest jobs that really was not a job rather a passion of love for the people in your life. Thanks for being so transparent and sharing! I truly love that!
Thanks, Mom!! You were always good at teaching us to keep it simple and didn’t even get mad when we had waterfights in the house!! I appreciate that….
Love this, Val! I’ve never been even remotely close to a perfectionist (except when I make coffee, which I’m a bit well.. obsessed with…), but I can definitely relate to the need to let go of expectations. It’s all very Buddhist, this letting go of our attachments to ideals…
Micki, I will never let go of my perfectionism with coffee either!! I use a hand cranked burr grinder and the AeroPress for making mine, and sigh with pleasure everyday!
love this. i have many chipped mugs and plates, i can’t bear to part with them because they hold so many memories! i’d be falling down all the time on that street.
Serious travel and perfection don’t mix — and isn’t that great? Perfection is definitely over-rated! Nice post.
Beautifully written and reasoned!
I found myself celebrating with you as I read this article! I think you are sharing an all too common experience and one to which I can’t help but relate and as a result, feel myself breaking free as I read your words describing the same in your own life. I am absolutely thrilled that you are sharing your new life through these posts!
Thanks so much, Mary! I am enjoying sharing them, and so appreciative that I am going through this time where I am learning so much!
I spent 3 months in Mexico and honestly it’s where I learned all of my spanish and that was cause I hitchhiked the huge country and each ride was really long and the men driving were really happy to chat with a blonde gringa even if it was broken spanish.
Great post, Val! I have the same trouble learning Italian. I understand the language but it is still so hard to speak more than just a few words. And that is mostly because I am afraid of sounding stupid or making a mistake. I also totally get you on the cobble stones! I don’t know how they do it.
Very self-aware, Val! A great reminder that so often we create this “perfect” image of what our lives should be like, and then make ourselves miserable trying to achieve it. All the while, we’re missing the fun stuff.
(That said, I’m still trying to develop the “perfect brownie recipe”. . . I’m not there yet, but I’m having a delicious time trying 🙂 )
Ok, when you find that recipe, will you send it to me? Yum!!
I can totally relate to this post about “perfection” Been there, done that! In fact, I don’t want to do it anymore. I have had so many dinner parties just like you described. The “perfect” one! Well, no more! Enjoyed this post!
Thank you, Cacinda!! It’s nice to find people who are on the same page!!